Catching up... 3 1/2 months 'in'

Well this blog thing just went by the wayside while I was in China. I couldn't access it at all (because of their firewalls) and when I came home I just kept on 'not' doing it. Boo.

Things are crazy. I'm still following ED, trying - trying to get my exercises in (though this time of the semester is nuts at uni), and I'm getting close to my goal number 1 which I set for Meltdown. It is sad it has taken me almost 4 months to reach a goal I had hoped to reach in 1 month but actually, I don't feel sad about it. I feel like I'm on a 'life plan' now - and that is a HUGE, fundamental difference for me from anything else I've ever done. I don't have a voice in my head saying, if I miss a day of exercise, "Well - see you can't do this anyway. It is impossible. Too hard. You'll never succeed at losing this weight so you might as well just give up and enjoy life." That voice has been replaced with "Well, life happens, you'll hopefully get your workout in later tonight or tomorrow but keep on because you are going to get there!"

That is HUGE! :-)

On the downside, my husband and I are really, really over (I think). He is so angry, so full of anger, hate, disappointment, etc. He is depressed. And it is ALL my fault. I feel like Darth Vadar - "the source of all evil". It is overwhelming me to be constantly considered the source of every problem in his life. The list of things I am a failure at grows daily and I have given up fighting back. I walk away - almost always. It is more and more frequent now that I come home and he has been drinking before I get home. When I get home, all his pent up anger is directed at me with a shower of "You don't xxx, you never xxx, you always xxx". There is no way to 'fight back' against that kind of depression and anger.

I asked him the other night - after 3 or 4 of his rants in one evening, what it would take to make him "happy". Did he want the house? Full custody of our child? All our pension money? WHAT????? DAMN IT??? What?

He told me that once upon a time, in the beginning, I loved him like he wants to be loved. We were together always, we couldn't bare to be apart, we were always touching and loving each other, - basically we were 'in love'. He told me that his previous girlfriend also 'once' loved him like that. In order for him to be 'happy' - he says - he needs to be loved like that all the time.

This just made me sad. Because if this is what it takes for him to be happy, he is never, ever going to find happiness. I want him to be happy. He is a wonderful person. But the idea that happiness comes from within is as foreign to him as living on the moon. I don't see how, after 14 years, that I can convince him otherwise. SAD!

So, Dax has been sending out all these messages about setting our top 100 goals and what an ideal day looks like. I am SO stuck in my life right now (more or less teetering on the edge of whatever is happening next but waiting on my husband to make the move so things happen calmly) that I can't imagine what the perfect day looks like. I can't even imagine what my goals look like - except to get myself thin, fit, and healthy. What can I say?

A perfect day involves my son being well! A perfect day involves my husband? I don't know. Not in the current state or let's face it - the state it has been for years now. I love and respect him but my tolerance for his needs to make me into this woman that doesn't exist has gone to almost zero.

What about my goals? Every time I think of something, like going on a safari, I feel like I need to choose - my husband (and HIS dreams of how our life should be) and my son (who at this time and the way things are now can NEVER go on a safari) - or my own dreams/goals. I cannot choose. I just can't.

I'm stuck. I'm really - every day - getting up, going to work (which I love), dreading coming home, and moving in a way - like if I turn too quickly everything around me will shatter. I walk in the door from work and go on auto pilot. I don't react. I don't respond. Emotions off. Mouth shut. Perform the functions required of me. Go to bed as soon as possible. Repeat.

HOW did I get to this place? How do I get out??????????????????????????

Day 16 - The fat woman in the gym

Yeah - that was me! I know people are looking - thinking "What is SHE doing here?" "Who is she kidding?" etc.

But then I try to remind myself of the 18/40/60 rule. At 18, you are worried what everyone is thinking about you. At 40, you don't give a darn what everyone thinks about you. At 60, you realise no one was even thinking about you.

So - based on that - I'm ignoring the looks. I enjoyed great food today - protein, fresh fruits, and veg. No problems sticking to the diet although I'm a bit unsure of some of the seasonings but I can't get around that. Tomorrow will be harder with low carb again - and I'm flying to China tomorrow with very little food in my bag besides nuts. That will have to do :-)

Thank you all for the support! My home life hasn't improved and my husband and I haven't talked since I left. (I have emailed him my flight details - that is it) We'll see if these few weeks away give us a fresh perspective. But for sure - the one thing I am focused on is that I am going to finish this 30 days - and then 30 more after that!

If I'm lucky I can see the blog in China - but I'm kind of doubting it - and I will miss it :-( but it is a good test anyway. I look forward to see what changes we should make next week!

Good luck all!

Day 15 - Here then there...

Day 15 was spent on airplanes. It is incredibly hard not to have a glass of wine - or some 'snack' type foods - but I just dug out my own food - and let everyone look at me strangely.
I was eating hard boiled eggs in Amsterdam airport - and security came up to me - wondered what I was doing, asked for all my info (passport, ticket, etc) - then laughingly told me it was smart to bring my own food because the airport food was terrible AND expensive :-).

I discovered a trick for not wanting ANY of the food on the plane. I pre-ordered a gluten-free meal on KLM. The food that came (first before everyone else got theirs which meant I wasn't hungry by the time the other food came around) was SOOOO disgusting I couldn't even look at it. Seriously -it was not recognisable except to say I am sure it had thousands of chemicals in it. Used the knife/fork, salt/pepper - and ate my own food from my purse :-). After the long flight, when it was 'breakfast' time - I ate my avocado, some raw carrots, and a few nuts. YEAH.

Now I only have to figure out how to get the hotel to pack me a 'lunch' when I take my plane flights home :-). Looking forward to measurements and working out tomorrow after all this travel.

Day 14 - HELP Please!

In case I am too stressed and crazy in the morning doing last minute packing, I have a big favor to ask someone. (I have asked Dax but he hasn't replied)

I will be in China from Sunday - and I won't be able to blog or see blogs due to their firewall restrictions. Could someone please email me the newest pdf workout? I can get email no problem. I would really, really appreciate it. Also - if there is any change to the eating plan.

Thank you so much! My email is womanatmidlife (at) gmail.com.

Day 13 - Measurement & higher carb day

Today started with such excitement - I KNEW I was down in weight and inches. By ALOT! Then I weighed. 3 times. How could it be (scientifically speaking) that I have taken in around 1,000 calories a day, eaten enough fat, eaten low carb, and exercised my little bum off - to find out I weigh THE SAME? I mean I am 5 ft 2 in - and started at 218 pounds. You would think it would go away faster - I can sure gain it faster :-)

Anyway - I wasn't too discouraged actually just said - OK tomorrow it will be gone. Turns out everyone else on the board had a similar 3 days so maybe it was the moon?

Anyway - I went down, had my oatmeal (forgot my egg :-( ) and then went to do a little MM and a short bike ride to warm up. Started the pyramid and on 2x I re-injured my left thigh from the injury about 4 or 5 days ago. I hurt so bad that I decided to try the SB lunges. That hurt too. I couldn't even do squats. I was so hurting and so discouraged I stopped after 5x-1 and really only had 7 minutes something left I was going to slowly.

This pain - plus a new one (in my lower left leg outside bone) - continued all day. My left toe is also the one I fell on. So I'm wondering - what is happening with the left side of me? I need to remove it or something. The disc I herniated 2 years ago is in my lower right back - so I'm wondering if somehow I am favoring that without being aware of it and this is causing some added strain on my left side which is showing up this way. Anyway - I did not manage my cardio or the other two exercises. Plain hurting too much.

I also had to pack my office today before leaving tomorrow for Malaysia because while I'm gone they will move us to a new building. Interesting. Anyway - that gave me quite a workout and added to the pain.

So by tonight I'm tired, discouraged - and a bit down. But tomorrow is a new day - and I am headed towards sunshine and heat so that makes me happy (even if it is for 2 days only! and then on to COLD China). I've bought my snacks and food - and I will be the weirdo on the plane eating my own food and doing the Power Circuit in the aisle :-).

Here's to tomorrow - and a HUGE drop in inches (which is what counts in the end). (but the pounds would be nice too)

Day 12 - My goals

I want to put in my goals - to really put them down - and shoot for them! So here is me: where I started and where I'm going in the short term.

"They" (I'd love to know who that is!) say - the first step in achieving your goals is to write them down. So, that step is done. :-)

Today, I had to squeeze the last 3 workouts into about 5 hours but I got them in. I also started taking my son's fish oil (I gave mine up a few days ago which totally stopped my indigestion) - and like magic my appetite came back. I don't know if it was the fish oil but something was better today.

I'm sort of worried about the 24 hours of traveling on Thursday/Friday. It means I will miss my Friday workout (leave here Thursday at 2 pm, get there Friday at 8 pm) and it means I need to carry a good bit of food with me that will get thru security. Any ideas? I can't have anything to keep it cold because they will throw that out. I tried ordering a gluten free menu on KLM (which they appear to offer but don't really) - but it probably has other stuff I can't have. I'd appreciate any ideas!

Lastly, tomorrow is weigh in/measurement day. Busy day for me too as I leave on Thursday and I have to pack up my office too because we are moving buildings while I am gone - but I'm going to do my FOUR ! Food good, workouts good, muscles SORE. Good day!

Day 11 - Oooohhh! Obesity killing us as fast as smoking.

Today I am on day 2 of low carb - and again I cannot eat. I am literally gagging my food down. My goodness if I had known this secret - well, I THINK I would have tried it...? But who knows?

I'm also struggling - we got new exercises today and the last two I didn't have a chance of doing. It was laughable. Then I started thinking about all the others that seem to breeze thru this stuff. Everyday now, I have some pain, some pull, some something. But here is the funny thing - I keep on. Every morning I get up, feel my body to see if things are working in an OK way - and then set off again on another day. Wow. Why? I want to know why - so I can keep on doing it! :-) Truly -what trigger has changed in my mind that is having me get up, record, block out time, blog, etc. all the while it hurts (so good sometimes and so bad other times).

I saw this article: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_93734.html


I thought - yes, that's right - I'm killing myself.

THIS (http://www.londonpersonaltrainingstudio.com/) is what is driving me to save myself - but what is behind that? It all comes down to that - right? How did I get this way?

Well - enough philosophy... Time for bed so I can get up and do it all over again. Also I have to figure out what I can pack to take on the plane to eat (that will make it thru security). Hopefully I have a little appetite back by then!

I hope everyone else is doing great! Tomorrow is a new day - and ONE of these days I'm going to be able to do ALL the exercises :-)

Day 10 - "You can't hire someone else to do your push-ups for you"

The quote is by Jim Rohn. I started reading Jack Canfield's book "How to get from where you are to where you want to be". It is wonderful. All stuff you intuitively know - but have thrown out the door. I'm reading, underlining, making notes. It really gave me a great sense of perspective today. About taking 100% responsibility for where I am in my life.

He gave an equation: E + R = O (Events + Responses = Outcome). He talks about that events happen (sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes not) but it is your responses that will determine the outcome. This has been so try for me. My responses are usually brave and upbeat - but they aren't responses that would change the outcome. That is where I have been falling down. So for example, when my husband says really awful things to me (I'm painting the picture that he is an awful person which he is not - but he can sometimes be a really awful person to me and a few other people that are close to him) - I respond (usually) calmly, or I walk away. But that doesn't change the outcome at all. I thought - Wow, I'm being really great by not fighting back, by not allowing him to provoke me - but I was not responding in a way that would change the outcome.

So today, when he started in on me again (this is still from the other day) - I said: "I've told you what I want in a divorce and you don't agree. Please send me an email with what you think would be fair for me to receive." He FREAKED. I just kept repeating that I did not want to fight, this wasn't a fight - but we have moved to that place now (thanks to a lot of things, but the icing on the cake was the other day) where it is time to say - how can we move on? Honestly, I don't know if that means with or without him but I'm thinking that I'm going to keep making all these changes with the Dax Moy program and THEN I'm going to make a lot of other changes. I'm going to change ALL my responses (one at a time but I AM going to do it) until I get the outcomes I want. This might mean that he cannot live with me or love me anymore - and that may be how it is. I'm finished with letting life (my personal life - I'm not like this at work at all) be tossed around like a ship lost at sea.

I managed all my foods, my exercises, and spent 90% of the day with my son. He is such an angel - truly only in the "NOW" - but he is a handful too.

We've had no internet most of yesterday and today due to a major snowstorm which closed everything down. I think the snow is clearing so I will have to be at work at 8:00 am tomorrow for exams. Not looking forward to it really - but the students are always wonderful - so that will be refreshing.

And P.S. - a little secret - I have to go on a business trip starting on Thursday. I won't be back til February 1. I'm going to Malaysia and China. I'm so damned determined that during that time period I am going to give 110% to the 30/30 project that when I come back people won't recognise me! :-) I've already told my colleage/translator that he has to explain I'm on a special program due to stomach problems and can only take certain foods (because they love to FEED you - especially in China). So hopefully that will overcome insulting anyone. I've also booked only hotels with fitness rooms - and I'm going to come back glowing. THAT is my goal for February 1.

P.P.S. I need to write down a lot of other goals - because if they aren't written, you won't get there. But I'm sticking with this goal for now. It is consuming all my time and energy. However, if I accomplish it - who KNOWS what I can accomplish next!

Have a great day!

Day 9 - 3 times bad luck?

I woke today in a good enough spirit and my thigh and calf seemed better (but not perfect) - so I kept my workouts to a slightly lower tempo. Still having MAJOR indigestion and I'm thinking it is the fish oil. I'm leaving that off tomorrow and the next day and seeing what happens. But the extra carbs today helped my appetite some (at least the food tasted good) - but I could still only manage around 1.000 calories for the whole day. Weird.

On a more personal note, the condition I'm in is just ridiculous. I'm appalled at myself. My son weighs between 50 - 60 pounds (25 kilo) and he is a 'dead weight' to carry. Imagine carrying a sack of dog food, for example, that weighed 50 pounds. Now imagine the sack fighting against you - throwing itself backwards, kicking, squirming to get down, etc. We have to lift my son continuously - but especially this last week because he has a sprained foot - thanks to our fall down the stairs. Needless to say - this is back breaking. Our 28 year old handicapped helper has been in twice for problems with her back and shoulders due to carrying and lifting him. I'm 44 and in CRAP shape and also had a herniated disk 2 years ago - so I'm really up a creek. My husband is way overweight also - but he is physically strong - THANK GOD - even though he is 52. So the lifting, carrying, etc. is down to him - which is a big burden (and no I have not forgotten yesterday but objectivity is a must here).

Anyway - this is one of my motivations for doing this program - to be in good enough shape to lift him without killing myself.

So yesterday, (like the universe is conspiring against me), I hurt my thigh doing the exercises (strike one - but I was back and fighting today). Today, I have to move my office upstairs because my son's new bed (appx 6 feet tall and 6 feet long with bars all around and padding too for when he falls) is going to go in downstairs. I wasn't about to ask my husband for help - so when I was taking apart my desk - which has a top section on it - I lifted the top section off myself and OUCHHHHHH my back! (strike two) So I tried ice for a while. But I only had one exercise left for the day - and I'm sure these exercises ARE going to make me stronger so I decided to try it. (ICP) Anyway - I was taking it easy and it was going well. Then I went to sit on the exercise ball for the last exercise of the whole set - the shoulder press sitting on the ball. I sat back and the ball rolled backwards. I went flying backwards also, got my left big toe caught underneath me and fell backwards on my butt and back. (strike three)

The toe is not broken - which is good because our entire island (which is BIG) is closed due to snow. The back is aching. The thigh and calf are better. Relationship - we have spoken about 5 words all day - my choice. I'm not angry but I just don't want to go there if you know what I mean.

Anyway - a carb day today and so hopefully that gives me some energy for tomorrow because I have my son for 1/2 day by myself tomorrow. Don't get me wrong - I love to be with him. But the lifting him and carrying him worries me - especially after our fall down the stairs. Plus now he has a huge bit mitt on his hand that was operated and a sprained foot (same side) - so he is more or less totally wheelchair bound or has to be lifted to his high chair, changing table, etc. And if he doesn't WANT to be lifted - well then that makes it even more fun :-).

But I'm getting stronger everyday - I can feel it. And one of these days it isn't going to kill me to lift him. And one of these days I am going to manage those stupid spiderman exercises! Hopefully my 3 strikes are up and tomorrow will be a GREAT day.

P.S. Still no cheating on my diet - that's why I don't mention it much. Not being hungry has it's benefits!

Day 8 - The good, the bad, and the ugly

Well weigh in was today - so we'll start with that:

I was a bit disappointed with the weight loss seeing as how I'm starting with such a high number but OK down is down... The great thing was some inches (centimeters) off my waist and hips. I'd have thought with all the pushups and squats something would have happened to my arms and legs but hey, my body has other things in mind. Anyway - if I do this again next week - I'll take it :-).

I had the 'sleepies' hangover from too much sleep yesterday but went and worked out - and got my early morning (5:30 am) workout in. Then I didn't have to be in to work til 10:30 so I did another workout at 9:00. All was well.

Then husband pressed the PLAY button on FIGHT NUMBER 5. (I figure if we just record our fights there are about 10 that we have consistently - so it would save a lot of energy if we just played the tape instead of having the same old fight again.) Anyway - fight number 5 has to do with me working too much (because he stays home and takes care of our son this year, last year I did it) and not caring about my family, my house, fill in the blank. Anyway - I've learned not to fight back - just to listen. He is the type who can really rant and rant and go on and on. I'm more the say few things but mean them person.

Anyway - I replied to all the ranting by telling him to please quit talking about (this has been going on some time) and DO something about it. But he feels trapped. If we get divorced, then we will have to sell the house (which is his pride and joy) and he will have to return to work as it is almost always so in Denmark that people get joint custody - and he can't get stay-at-home money if he is only here part time. So he went on and on about how I have trapped him, it is because of me that he can't just have his cake and eat it too (my phrase not his), etc.

(a little past history here - about 2 or 3 years ago I had several incidents with my heart where I ended up in the hospital. They turned out to be angina but scary scary anyway)

THEN - he says: "Hopefully, the next time you go to the hospital with a heart attack you never come home!". My jaw dropped. I am pretty used to him saying some really out of no where stuff - but this was shocking. I just looked at him and ran down the stairs. He yelled after me: "I didn't mean it" then went in his room and slammed the door.

The next part is childish of me (I know) but I'm going to tell it all... Because he ALWAYS says ugly things and then 1 hour later says he didn't say them and that I am making them up (this has always gone on ever since I married him - not before). I went downstairs and wrote on several pieces of paper what he said, exactly (including date and time). Then I took tape and hung them up all over the house.

He came downstairs and said: "We need to talk". I said: "Oh no - we've had plenty of that for today. Do NOT talk to me. Leave me alone before something even worse gets said (What could be worse?)."

I packed my lunch. Took my stuff and left for work. I came home late. I made my dinner and ignored both my son and my husband (because my son was on my husband's lap and he wouldn't give him to me and there is no point in him being involved so I just decided to leave it).

After he took our son to bed, he said "Wow - what a great mom you are who can't even be with her son after work." I just kept on making my supper ready to cook - then went to workout (and be away).

And - can you believe it - while I was really really kicking butt on the pyramid (anger as fuel again) - when I was doing the tricep bench thingy - something pulled hard in my left leg. I kept on - determined and angry - but I had to really take it easy with that leg. Now I can't even go up the stairs with it. Something in my thigh. So I've got an ice pack on now. I'm going to take ibuprofen to try to keep the swelling down - and TOMORROW I am going to be FINE!

In a weird way - the focus on this diet is keeping me sane these days. Normally I would use food, or wine, to calm me down after some event like this (OK this was sort of an over the top event). Today, I worked out. Today, I wrote my blog. Tomorrow - I don't know what I will do - but I will not carry anger with me thru the night and I will do my best to not hold onto anger tomorrow. The only person that hurts is me - and I'm trying to get better!

So - that's it. The good, the bad, and the very, very ugly!

Day 7 - Learning to Breathe

Today was a success. I'm calling it that anyway. Our son's tests went MUCH better than we had feared - which goes to show you that worry doesn't help anything. We managed to get home (through the ice and snow). Our handicapped helper was here so we could take a break also.

So - today I thought about what feels different for me this time. (I've only done 1,014 diets to date) Have you ever tried this? It is the night before your diet starts, or the day after your diet starts, or a week in, etc. and you sit and calculate how much you are going to lose, in which period of time, and by what date. Over and over again. I have always done this. Planned perfection.

Why is this different? Because it's 30 days? Because the intensity is high (I have a tendency to add and add and add things to my diet plan (like HOURS of workouts) to make sure I'm covering everything) already? Because there is a group of people doing it? I don't know really.

I do know that normally my life is like this: Breath IN - HOLD YOUR BREATH. Perform everything, as well as possible, as perfect as possible, as extremely as possible until until until .... you have to let out your breath. Then suddenly I find myself saying, "Well I breathed out... so I might as well (fill in the blank - have some wine, have some pizza, not exercise for a few days, give myself a break, etc.)" The problem is the breathing out is followed by a LONG delay before I can gear myself up to breathe in again.

This time, I'm breathing IN and OUT. Not perfectly. But I am. Today, I did my exercises this morning, we did all the tests with our son, then we came home. I laid down for a 1 hour nap before going to work out more and I woke up 6 hours later. I decided since it was already almost 7 pm that I would just breathe out today. And breathe in - tomorrow morning. No extremes. Just breathing.

My body cried out (mentally) "Take a rest". And I listened. And I don't see it as a great failure - but a simple down step with the many up steps we've been taking.

For today- I consider the process of learning to breathe - and to keep doing the process - a success! Good night :-)

P.S. Weight and measurements tomorrow. I cannot follow Dax. He posts that we should do weigh ins in the middle of my days (so weigh in for Day 6 in the middle of day 7 or some such). So I'm going with what I got! Let's hope it's good :-)

P.P.S. I'm of the magnesium. Thank you Melissa you were right - even the tiniest dosage has a bad effect on me! At least I know what to use if I ever get the other problem :-)

Day 6 - HARD! Surgery today

Today my son had his surgery on his hand. The burn ward temperature is about 85 degrees farenheit - and there is suppose to be no open windows or doors. Thankfully because of his handicap we have a room to ourselves we can adjust a bit.

While he was at surgery I did the first new exercise, the Pyramid. OMG - a killer! And I'm sure I will feel it tomorrow. Then I decided after he was back from surgery and I fed him some lunch and he and hubby were playing a bit, I'd do cardio. My option I picked - stair climbing. That was INSANE! And I could really, really feel how out of shape I am! I keep feeling stronger and better everyday with the other exercises but wow - that kicked my butt!

I managed the third workout while my husband fed my son his dinner (not only can he not normally really eat by himself but now one arm is completely bound in for the next two weeks). He still can't walk from where we fell down the stairs - so we are really doing good here! Tomorrow is the trial - and please, please, send prayers and happy thoughts to my son! This test has been dreaded for a long, long time (an EMG if anyone knows what that is).

Food - still totally 100% on plan but honestly having a problem eating enough. WHAT? Having a problem eating enough? Something is seriously wrong here! (or seriously right!)

I'm totally wrecked from the heat, the surgery, the stress, the new workouts, and yeah - just tired. Amazingly (and gratefully), hubby didn't comment or get in the way of me being silly and laying on the hospital floor doing exercises. That IS a step in the right direction. Another point for seriously right! :-)

Thank you all for being the team that is 'cheering' for me. It makes me feel accountable - but in a super, positive way!

Day 5 - Snowbound & hospital bound

Well first - it snowed. Then my husband couldn't get out to take our son to the hospital for the meeting with the doctors (finally managed with chains). Then I couldn't get out to an important meeting at my work (which is why I wasn't riding with my husband). THEN Dax changed everything! Arghhhh!

I had 3 days of food made, ready to go, and my exercises all planned out - and he moved the goal post. Well, OK. Since I was not making it to my meeting and had to wait for the tractors to get me out - I managed to revamp everything. I hope we have more notice next time especially with all this freaky winter weather.

Finally got out - trip to Copenhagen took 2 1/2 times as long as normal. I got all exercises and food in before I left (early, early dinner where I wasn't really hungry). So today was a good day!

Day 4 - First day back to work

Chaos! What else would it be :-) But I got up super early and did the first workout, then made breakfast, lunch, and dinner - ate breakfast - then went and did my cardio. Then quickly showered and off to work. Did the ICP at lunch as I then don't sweat too much. Came home, changed and quickly finished with the last workout! And yes yes yes - done for today!

Now I'm trying to figure out how to do 3 days at the hospital. Food & workouts. I'm going to take fruit and nuts, make some chicken salad for tomorrow then I'm kind of stuck? Maybe I'll be a fruit/nutcake by the time the 3 days is over! :-)

I'm thinking also I will sneak in my hand weights and then when no one is looking get down on the floor and do the workouts. We can't leave the room because our son will be in the burn ward and you can't go in and out.

Also something is really giving my stomach a problem. Lemon juice? Fish oil? or Yogurt? I'm thinking it is one of those OR it is just the elimination diet WORKING a bit too hard! Hopefully this stops soon.

Any suggestions for take along meals that don't require fridge or microwave? I'd appreciate any help! If I can make it thru the next 3 days then I can make it thru anything.

My dear husband said to me tonight: "Do you want a nice glass of red wine?" I said: "No thank you". He said: "Well one way or another I'll get you to break your diet soon." Now WHAT is that about????

Day 3 - One day at a time & Shenpa

Well the prayers didn't exactly work... I woke at 4:45 am unable to sleep further. Tried meditating for a while (which went something like, "Breathe - relax, 'Oh don't forget to email that woman for work and don't forget to finish the office clean out and ' oops, "Breathe - relax, 'Oh yeah and I really don't want to get up and want to sleep more'") - well you get the idea. So I got up at 5:30, did the Matrix thingy for a while then did my Meltdown. That went better than expected - a big YEAH!

Then I showered, got ready - and my son woke up. I took him by the hand to go down the stairs (he cannot walk unassisted) and for some reason he decided to take 3 steps at once. I still kept hold of his hand, he fell laying out in front of me and I stepped down on his foot (from 3 steps up) - and I still kept hold of his hand and kept him from hitting his head. He started crying - and my husband came running. Blame, blame, blame... (mostly out of fear I think)

Anyway - 1/2 the day was spent in the emergency room - where we are frequent visitors - and luckily his foot wasn't broken only sprained. I, having been dragged down the steps by a 50 pound child who cannot control his own body - feel like someone twisted my back in half. I did manage to keep my diet (had nuts and water in my purse), came home and did my cardio - which I thought would HELP my back. Spent the rest of the time walking around like an old granny. So I opted for ice packs, and then the power circuit but skipped the ICP. I'm really disappointed in myself but I want to keep doing this - not kill myself and have to give it all up.

My son is going to the hospital on Tuesday for a surgery on his burned hand. On Thursday he's having an EMG and NCS test - also under anesthesia - if my husband - the doctor - and I don't kill each other over it. (I say he has to be sleeping because we can't have him afraid of needles or doctors - they say "oh he can handle it" - I haven't decided whether to 'watch' or not because I really will kill them if he is hurt or scared or crying.) He has to have so many blood tests, surgeries, etc that I don't want him afraid of doctors and he mentally cannot understand.

My husband thinks that this falling down the stairs today was an example of me not being able to care for our son (though our son has been at the hospital 3 times for stitches while my husband was watching him and 2 times for stitches and once for a broken nose while he was at school). We aren't abusing him - I promise! He has an undiagnosed handicap which includes (ataxia - basically walking like you are unbelievably drunk with no control therefore he must always be in a wheelchair or held by hand or carried, some form of retinitis pigmentosa (which isn't retinitis pigmentosa but they don't know what his version is - which means he is nearly blind - they think), 1/2 of his hearing is lost, his can only clearly speak about 20 words but knows hundreds, and he must still wear diapers and be in a crib - only supersized). He has had over 4,000 tests (including DNA, mitochondria, etc.) and all of them are 'normal'. So we don't know how to treat him (train him, don't train him) (give him extra vitamins or medicine or none at all), etc.

Well you can imagine that our son's situation adds fuel to a burning fire where both my husband and I are abusing OURSELVES by overeating, overworking, overstressing, etc.

The great thing is that I listened to a Pema Chodran "Getting Unstuck" today (I'm not buddhist but I like her) - and she was talking about Shenpa. That feeling you get where someone says something or does something and before your react - you can feel that you ARE going to react (or that you want to). Shenpa keeps you stuck reacting the same ways over and over again. It was a lovely dialogue and reminded me - I'm stuck. In lots of ways.

I don't want to be so negative here because actually I'm a positive person (extremely most would say) - but I'm trying to use this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings to work out why I'm stuck. Why I'm stuck in my relationship. Why I'm stuck in my body. Why I'm stuck working too hard. Why I'm feeling just generally stuck and wishing that everything and everyone would disappear for a while so I could actually sit and read a book or watch a movie without everyone feeling like the fact that I sat down means that I must need something to do - or someone to be around - or ...

So enough whining. The day did not go badly. Our son didn't break his foot - so we'll we have to carry him for some days, but he will be in the hospital so the timing is as 'good' as it could ever be. I didn't break anything. I didn't kill my husband AND I stuck to my diet! Can't get better than that ! :-)

Day 2 - Lead, Follow, or Get the Heck out of the Way!

I did it! Day 2. I even had a birthday dinner I had to cook tonight and I managed to separate food out - so they got 'theirs' the 'good' way and I got mine the 'right' way!

Got up early before my son and did the Meltdown. Having that out of the way honestly made the rest of the day seem much easier - though I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to work.

I'm trying to keep this blog about my 'diet' or 'torture' or 'craziness' or whatever you want to call it. However, I can't seem to separate out my personal issues from my food/exercise/life style issues. I used to be able to compartmentalise so much better. That feeling (or relationship or situation) in THAT box - this feeling in this box, etc. Now it's all blended together. I feel, on one hand, like I'm really being a bitch (no other word for it sorry). Why? Because I'm saying "No, I won't do that" or "Sorry - but I need to do this for me" or (like tonight): "Hey I baked you the cake, made the food, and I'm here to celebrate but it isn't personal that I'm not eating the same food as you".

So - what started as an OK, calm day has ended off with me annoyed - again. Thus my title today - I want the people in my life to either lead me in a positive direction (spiritually, mentally, physically, etc), follow me, or get OUT OF MY WAY.

If 2010 ends with me in the same situation I'm in now - I will have given in. I'll be nothing more than a piece of clay that others mold and shape to fit their wants and needs. I will get more tattered, more discolored, and eventually be unrecognisable. So, for now - I'm going with PISSED OFF. If that is what motivates me - then so be it. I'm pissed off (sorry for the language) that it is NOT OK for me to do 'my' thing, it is NOT OK for me to have needs that don't accomodate everyone else, and it is NOT OK for me to be me.

The anger is the fuel for the fire right now. I know, over time, that it will be replaced by other healthier things - but for now anger (annoyance) is how I'm dealing with it.

Blah blah... I did ALL my workouts, ate VERY well (maybe too many lentils but they are allowed!), and I FINISHED DAY TWO. Crossed fingers and prayers on wings for a good day tomorrow!

Day 1 - Am I insane?

OMG! I don't know how I made it thru the day. After each batch of exercises I was totally wrecked. Then more, then more, then more...

Having said that - I've managed to eat healthy, made some good soup from the cookbook (broccoli/apple) and will have absolutely NO PROBLEM being asleep by 10:30.

Tomorrow I'm starting earlier - before my son gets up - because I think all these exercises being done so close together is part of what killed me.

Lastly - I looked at my measurements over the years. My waist has never, ever been this big - even when I weighed 10 kilos more. This is serious, deadly, abdominal fat. No wonder I feel like crap! I want to be one hot mama :-) - but I either need to saw it off or keep up with this program for quite some time.

Let's try to get thru Days 2 and 3 now... Happy New Year and goodnight!

Day 1 - New Year, New Me

Well, a brief post - and maybe more later. Late start today as I had to care for my son til 11:30 pm. Had an elimination diet breakfast - out of the recipe book - and did my pictures and measurements. So - here's the measurements:
Dax's Way:
Weight 218.68 lbs
Chest 50 inches
Belly 44 inches
Arms (R/L): 15.75 / 15.35
Hips 46 inches
Thighs (lower R/L) 21.85 / 21.65

My way: kgs and centimeters
Weight 99.4 kgs
Waist at Belly Button: 112 cm
Hips at fattest part: 126 cm
Lower hips: 117 cm
Thighs (fattest part R/L): 70 / 69.5
Knees (just above R/L): 50.5 / 51
Calves (R/L): 43.5 / 44
Chest: 127 cm
Biceps (R/L): 40 / 39
Neck 41 cm

I've done Meltdown 1 - and OMG - it was a killer. In fact I'm sure I did some bits wrong and I'd have hated someone to be taping me. I need to go back and watch the videos again to see what I SHOULD look like!

More later... after I persecute myself further :-)