Catching up... 3 1/2 months 'in'

Well this blog thing just went by the wayside while I was in China. I couldn't access it at all (because of their firewalls) and when I came home I just kept on 'not' doing it. Boo.

Things are crazy. I'm still following ED, trying - trying to get my exercises in (though this time of the semester is nuts at uni), and I'm getting close to my goal number 1 which I set for Meltdown. It is sad it has taken me almost 4 months to reach a goal I had hoped to reach in 1 month but actually, I don't feel sad about it. I feel like I'm on a 'life plan' now - and that is a HUGE, fundamental difference for me from anything else I've ever done. I don't have a voice in my head saying, if I miss a day of exercise, "Well - see you can't do this anyway. It is impossible. Too hard. You'll never succeed at losing this weight so you might as well just give up and enjoy life." That voice has been replaced with "Well, life happens, you'll hopefully get your workout in later tonight or tomorrow but keep on because you are going to get there!"

That is HUGE! :-)

On the downside, my husband and I are really, really over (I think). He is so angry, so full of anger, hate, disappointment, etc. He is depressed. And it is ALL my fault. I feel like Darth Vadar - "the source of all evil". It is overwhelming me to be constantly considered the source of every problem in his life. The list of things I am a failure at grows daily and I have given up fighting back. I walk away - almost always. It is more and more frequent now that I come home and he has been drinking before I get home. When I get home, all his pent up anger is directed at me with a shower of "You don't xxx, you never xxx, you always xxx". There is no way to 'fight back' against that kind of depression and anger.

I asked him the other night - after 3 or 4 of his rants in one evening, what it would take to make him "happy". Did he want the house? Full custody of our child? All our pension money? WHAT????? DAMN IT??? What?

He told me that once upon a time, in the beginning, I loved him like he wants to be loved. We were together always, we couldn't bare to be apart, we were always touching and loving each other, - basically we were 'in love'. He told me that his previous girlfriend also 'once' loved him like that. In order for him to be 'happy' - he says - he needs to be loved like that all the time.

This just made me sad. Because if this is what it takes for him to be happy, he is never, ever going to find happiness. I want him to be happy. He is a wonderful person. But the idea that happiness comes from within is as foreign to him as living on the moon. I don't see how, after 14 years, that I can convince him otherwise. SAD!

So, Dax has been sending out all these messages about setting our top 100 goals and what an ideal day looks like. I am SO stuck in my life right now (more or less teetering on the edge of whatever is happening next but waiting on my husband to make the move so things happen calmly) that I can't imagine what the perfect day looks like. I can't even imagine what my goals look like - except to get myself thin, fit, and healthy. What can I say?

A perfect day involves my son being well! A perfect day involves my husband? I don't know. Not in the current state or let's face it - the state it has been for years now. I love and respect him but my tolerance for his needs to make me into this woman that doesn't exist has gone to almost zero.

What about my goals? Every time I think of something, like going on a safari, I feel like I need to choose - my husband (and HIS dreams of how our life should be) and my son (who at this time and the way things are now can NEVER go on a safari) - or my own dreams/goals. I cannot choose. I just can't.

I'm stuck. I'm really - every day - getting up, going to work (which I love), dreading coming home, and moving in a way - like if I turn too quickly everything around me will shatter. I walk in the door from work and go on auto pilot. I don't react. I don't respond. Emotions off. Mouth shut. Perform the functions required of me. Go to bed as soon as possible. Repeat.

HOW did I get to this place? How do I get out??????????????????????????