Thursday, December 31, 2009
I bought Dax Moy's cookbook - will it help?
I bought the cookbook that Dax Moy is offering during his Meltdown 2010 competition. I like to cook and I like to have options. It looks good so far but I'll give you a review in a week or so on The Elimination Diet Cookbook by Dax Moy. (if it isn't any good I'll make my own :-)... but I'm kind of lazy so let's see)
Dec 31, 2009 - Totally honest, truthful, and crappy things I'm thinking today
Well I want a log... (oh, yeah, a blog) - telling me, and anyone interested in what I'm going thru at this time of year - this time of my life - and the torture :-) I'm getting ready to start with Dax Moy.
First a few brief details, I've been married for over 12 years now. The marriage is not hilly - it is MOUNTAINOUS! My husband believes in 'say whatever pops out of your mouth - and repent later'. I come from the 'if you say it, you believe it in your brain somewhere' school.
More history later - but at the moment, we have a 5 year old child who is multiple handicapped. Partially blind, partially deaf, cannot walk unassisted, cannot sit unassisted, cannot speak clearly more than 10 words (can speak unclearly about 100-200). On top of this - we have no diagnosis - even having been thru 1000's of tests. Further, he fell into a fire on the beach (the day after the fire when someone had covered it over with sand) and got third degree and fourth degree burns on both hands, wrists, chest, etc. Because he can't walk alone - he couldn't get up out of the fire. We are getting ready for surgery number 4 next week.
Lots of discussions with doctors, lots of tests, no diagnosis... (more on this another day)
OK, so this year - I change careers (BIG TIME) so I can be at home more. I can be closer to home, I can fulfill my husband's wishes that I have a 'normal' job (I've been an entrepreneur with multiple companies my whole life). So now I have the 'normal' job - but the fact is, I haven't changed. I'm still an entrepreneur. I still look around me and see what needs done - and do it. So I've found in my new job that I have been presented with unprecedented opportunities which I don't really want to turn down. Bad news for my husband - who really wants a 9-3 wife. Funny enough - he wants a 9-3 wife, who makes mega-money, and who fulfills all his wifely and sexual desires at the same time. WOW - I just can't quite get over that bar!
Here's the thing - he is a wonderful man and a wonderful person. But I'm not ever going to get over that bar. So we have been 'stuck' together due to our child, primarily, for the last 5 years - though things weren't great before that. Or shall I say - they are great, then terrible, great, then terrible...
Now - I'm facing 2010 - reading things from 2000 which are a mirror of what he says and does today. I've changed. I'm more accepting. I let his comments go - for the most part. I ignore the hurts. I take a 'holy breath'. But - the pain, while something that should help you grow - is also turning inwards on me. I'm using this pain to justify the reason I'm fat. The reason I'm unhealthy. The reason I don't take care of myself. (as an example - if I get up before anyone in the house to workout - he says I care more for myself than everyone else on earth and I'm horribly selfish - because otherwise I'd use that time to satisfy him sexually or clean the house or ...)
I don't want to paint him as a monster. I've turned myself into the monster - by just turning the other cheek over and over and over again - and then feeding myself with anything (sometimes massive exercise, sometimes liquid diets, sometimes bottles of wine, excessiveness everywhere) to ignore the pain and keep my mouth shut.
Am I a weak person? I don't think so. No one that knows me would say that. But at the moment, I've been told (by a lawyer) - if I leave the house, I will lose any money I have in the house and probably my custody of my child. He is so handicapped - that we both need 1/2 time custody so we can have a break - neither of us could take care of him 24x7 without a break. But my husband has decided to take a stand - I should leave, he keeps the house and our son - and that is it.
What am I doing? Sitting in my room blogging on New Year's Eve in order not to sit at the table with him - I'm drinking some wine - I'm eating some M&M's - and I'm preparing myself for tomorrow to be a new day!
For me it will be! I hope it will be for you too!
First a few brief details, I've been married for over 12 years now. The marriage is not hilly - it is MOUNTAINOUS! My husband believes in 'say whatever pops out of your mouth - and repent later'. I come from the 'if you say it, you believe it in your brain somewhere' school.
More history later - but at the moment, we have a 5 year old child who is multiple handicapped. Partially blind, partially deaf, cannot walk unassisted, cannot sit unassisted, cannot speak clearly more than 10 words (can speak unclearly about 100-200). On top of this - we have no diagnosis - even having been thru 1000's of tests. Further, he fell into a fire on the beach (the day after the fire when someone had covered it over with sand) and got third degree and fourth degree burns on both hands, wrists, chest, etc. Because he can't walk alone - he couldn't get up out of the fire. We are getting ready for surgery number 4 next week.
Lots of discussions with doctors, lots of tests, no diagnosis... (more on this another day)
OK, so this year - I change careers (BIG TIME) so I can be at home more. I can be closer to home, I can fulfill my husband's wishes that I have a 'normal' job (I've been an entrepreneur with multiple companies my whole life). So now I have the 'normal' job - but the fact is, I haven't changed. I'm still an entrepreneur. I still look around me and see what needs done - and do it. So I've found in my new job that I have been presented with unprecedented opportunities which I don't really want to turn down. Bad news for my husband - who really wants a 9-3 wife. Funny enough - he wants a 9-3 wife, who makes mega-money, and who fulfills all his wifely and sexual desires at the same time. WOW - I just can't quite get over that bar!
Here's the thing - he is a wonderful man and a wonderful person. But I'm not ever going to get over that bar. So we have been 'stuck' together due to our child, primarily, for the last 5 years - though things weren't great before that. Or shall I say - they are great, then terrible, great, then terrible...
Now - I'm facing 2010 - reading things from 2000 which are a mirror of what he says and does today. I've changed. I'm more accepting. I let his comments go - for the most part. I ignore the hurts. I take a 'holy breath'. But - the pain, while something that should help you grow - is also turning inwards on me. I'm using this pain to justify the reason I'm fat. The reason I'm unhealthy. The reason I don't take care of myself. (as an example - if I get up before anyone in the house to workout - he says I care more for myself than everyone else on earth and I'm horribly selfish - because otherwise I'd use that time to satisfy him sexually or clean the house or ...)
I don't want to paint him as a monster. I've turned myself into the monster - by just turning the other cheek over and over and over again - and then feeding myself with anything (sometimes massive exercise, sometimes liquid diets, sometimes bottles of wine, excessiveness everywhere) to ignore the pain and keep my mouth shut.
Am I a weak person? I don't think so. No one that knows me would say that. But at the moment, I've been told (by a lawyer) - if I leave the house, I will lose any money I have in the house and probably my custody of my child. He is so handicapped - that we both need 1/2 time custody so we can have a break - neither of us could take care of him 24x7 without a break. But my husband has decided to take a stand - I should leave, he keeps the house and our son - and that is it.
What am I doing? Sitting in my room blogging on New Year's Eve in order not to sit at the table with him - I'm drinking some wine - I'm eating some M&M's - and I'm preparing myself for tomorrow to be a new day!
For me it will be! I hope it will be for you too!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I hate Dax Moy!
Have I mentioned that I hate Dax Moy!?? Well, that might be a bit too strong - but it is ALL his fault that I have to do this silly blog. Being a woman - at mid life - who might, maybe, might be having a midlife crisis is NOT the woman you want hating you.
OK, actually I voluntarily signed up for his challenge (i.e. torture) - so I can't blame it all on him. But at the moment, like many moments in my life these days, I'm wondering what led me down that particularly thorny path? Look what silliness I've gotten myself into: http://www.londonpersonaltrainingstudio.com
Now enough of that... I've got approximately 36 hours til I have to torture myself. So for now I'm going to self-medicate myself (yes that is the current lie I'm using to describe what I do when I'm pissed off, bored, annoyed, can't sleep, etc) with some M&M's - peanut thank you, and a glass of wine.
Did I mention that in the next few days those will be OFF the self-medication list? And I'm actually considering buying some weights?
Ha ha - I'm not a stranger to this path (well to this general path) but I have not tried it as a woman who is attempting middle age as well. What does that mean? It means - that all those years ago (OMG - was it 20??) when I was reading books about women who were in their 40's and needed a room of their own... or a place where they could be alone... or a place they could go and just meditate or draw... and be away from their families, lives, friends, jobs, etc. - well all those years (and books ago) - I thought "Oh - how sad - those women must have horrible lives with unfulfilling X (fill in the blank)" Now I think "WOW - COOL - where can I get me one of those??? :-)
Off for self-medication in preparation for deprivation. I know, I know - I signed UP for it. You can too - it's free. But buyer beware! No self-medication for 30 days!
OK, actually I voluntarily signed up for his challenge (i.e. torture) - so I can't blame it all on him. But at the moment, like many moments in my life these days, I'm wondering what led me down that particularly thorny path? Look what silliness I've gotten myself into: http://www.londonpersonaltrainingstudio.com
Now enough of that... I've got approximately 36 hours til I have to torture myself. So for now I'm going to self-medicate myself (yes that is the current lie I'm using to describe what I do when I'm pissed off, bored, annoyed, can't sleep, etc) with some M&M's - peanut thank you, and a glass of wine.
Did I mention that in the next few days those will be OFF the self-medication list? And I'm actually considering buying some weights?
Ha ha - I'm not a stranger to this path (well to this general path) but I have not tried it as a woman who is attempting middle age as well. What does that mean? It means - that all those years ago (OMG - was it 20??) when I was reading books about women who were in their 40's and needed a room of their own... or a place where they could be alone... or a place they could go and just meditate or draw... and be away from their families, lives, friends, jobs, etc. - well all those years (and books ago) - I thought "Oh - how sad - those women must have horrible lives with unfulfilling X (fill in the blank)" Now I think "WOW - COOL - where can I get me one of those??? :-)
Off for self-medication in preparation for deprivation. I know, I know - I signed UP for it. You can too - it's free. But buyer beware! No self-medication for 30 days!
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