Day 12 - My goals

I want to put in my goals - to really put them down - and shoot for them! So here is me: where I started and where I'm going in the short term.

"They" (I'd love to know who that is!) say - the first step in achieving your goals is to write them down. So, that step is done. :-)

Today, I had to squeeze the last 3 workouts into about 5 hours but I got them in. I also started taking my son's fish oil (I gave mine up a few days ago which totally stopped my indigestion) - and like magic my appetite came back. I don't know if it was the fish oil but something was better today.

I'm sort of worried about the 24 hours of traveling on Thursday/Friday. It means I will miss my Friday workout (leave here Thursday at 2 pm, get there Friday at 8 pm) and it means I need to carry a good bit of food with me that will get thru security. Any ideas? I can't have anything to keep it cold because they will throw that out. I tried ordering a gluten free menu on KLM (which they appear to offer but don't really) - but it probably has other stuff I can't have. I'd appreciate any ideas!

Lastly, tomorrow is weigh in/measurement day. Busy day for me too as I leave on Thursday and I have to pack up my office too because we are moving buildings while I am gone - but I'm going to do my FOUR ! Food good, workouts good, muscles SORE. Good day!

Day 11 - Oooohhh! Obesity killing us as fast as smoking.

Today I am on day 2 of low carb - and again I cannot eat. I am literally gagging my food down. My goodness if I had known this secret - well, I THINK I would have tried it...? But who knows?

I'm also struggling - we got new exercises today and the last two I didn't have a chance of doing. It was laughable. Then I started thinking about all the others that seem to breeze thru this stuff. Everyday now, I have some pain, some pull, some something. But here is the funny thing - I keep on. Every morning I get up, feel my body to see if things are working in an OK way - and then set off again on another day. Wow. Why? I want to know why - so I can keep on doing it! :-) Truly -what trigger has changed in my mind that is having me get up, record, block out time, blog, etc. all the while it hurts (so good sometimes and so bad other times).

I saw this article: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_93734.html


I thought - yes, that's right - I'm killing myself.

THIS (http://www.londonpersonaltrainingstudio.com/) is what is driving me to save myself - but what is behind that? It all comes down to that - right? How did I get this way?

Well - enough philosophy... Time for bed so I can get up and do it all over again. Also I have to figure out what I can pack to take on the plane to eat (that will make it thru security). Hopefully I have a little appetite back by then!

I hope everyone else is doing great! Tomorrow is a new day - and ONE of these days I'm going to be able to do ALL the exercises :-)

Day 10 - "You can't hire someone else to do your push-ups for you"

The quote is by Jim Rohn. I started reading Jack Canfield's book "How to get from where you are to where you want to be". It is wonderful. All stuff you intuitively know - but have thrown out the door. I'm reading, underlining, making notes. It really gave me a great sense of perspective today. About taking 100% responsibility for where I am in my life.

He gave an equation: E + R = O (Events + Responses = Outcome). He talks about that events happen (sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes not) but it is your responses that will determine the outcome. This has been so try for me. My responses are usually brave and upbeat - but they aren't responses that would change the outcome. That is where I have been falling down. So for example, when my husband says really awful things to me (I'm painting the picture that he is an awful person which he is not - but he can sometimes be a really awful person to me and a few other people that are close to him) - I respond (usually) calmly, or I walk away. But that doesn't change the outcome at all. I thought - Wow, I'm being really great by not fighting back, by not allowing him to provoke me - but I was not responding in a way that would change the outcome.

So today, when he started in on me again (this is still from the other day) - I said: "I've told you what I want in a divorce and you don't agree. Please send me an email with what you think would be fair for me to receive." He FREAKED. I just kept repeating that I did not want to fight, this wasn't a fight - but we have moved to that place now (thanks to a lot of things, but the icing on the cake was the other day) where it is time to say - how can we move on? Honestly, I don't know if that means with or without him but I'm thinking that I'm going to keep making all these changes with the Dax Moy program and THEN I'm going to make a lot of other changes. I'm going to change ALL my responses (one at a time but I AM going to do it) until I get the outcomes I want. This might mean that he cannot live with me or love me anymore - and that may be how it is. I'm finished with letting life (my personal life - I'm not like this at work at all) be tossed around like a ship lost at sea.

I managed all my foods, my exercises, and spent 90% of the day with my son. He is such an angel - truly only in the "NOW" - but he is a handful too.

We've had no internet most of yesterday and today due to a major snowstorm which closed everything down. I think the snow is clearing so I will have to be at work at 8:00 am tomorrow for exams. Not looking forward to it really - but the students are always wonderful - so that will be refreshing.

And P.S. - a little secret - I have to go on a business trip starting on Thursday. I won't be back til February 1. I'm going to Malaysia and China. I'm so damned determined that during that time period I am going to give 110% to the 30/30 project that when I come back people won't recognise me! :-) I've already told my colleage/translator that he has to explain I'm on a special program due to stomach problems and can only take certain foods (because they love to FEED you - especially in China). So hopefully that will overcome insulting anyone. I've also booked only hotels with fitness rooms - and I'm going to come back glowing. THAT is my goal for February 1.

P.P.S. I need to write down a lot of other goals - because if they aren't written, you won't get there. But I'm sticking with this goal for now. It is consuming all my time and energy. However, if I accomplish it - who KNOWS what I can accomplish next!

Have a great day!

Day 8 - The good, the bad, and the ugly

Well weigh in was today - so we'll start with that:

I was a bit disappointed with the weight loss seeing as how I'm starting with such a high number but OK down is down... The great thing was some inches (centimeters) off my waist and hips. I'd have thought with all the pushups and squats something would have happened to my arms and legs but hey, my body has other things in mind. Anyway - if I do this again next week - I'll take it :-).

I had the 'sleepies' hangover from too much sleep yesterday but went and worked out - and got my early morning (5:30 am) workout in. Then I didn't have to be in to work til 10:30 so I did another workout at 9:00. All was well.

Then husband pressed the PLAY button on FIGHT NUMBER 5. (I figure if we just record our fights there are about 10 that we have consistently - so it would save a lot of energy if we just played the tape instead of having the same old fight again.) Anyway - fight number 5 has to do with me working too much (because he stays home and takes care of our son this year, last year I did it) and not caring about my family, my house, fill in the blank. Anyway - I've learned not to fight back - just to listen. He is the type who can really rant and rant and go on and on. I'm more the say few things but mean them person.

Anyway - I replied to all the ranting by telling him to please quit talking about (this has been going on some time) and DO something about it. But he feels trapped. If we get divorced, then we will have to sell the house (which is his pride and joy) and he will have to return to work as it is almost always so in Denmark that people get joint custody - and he can't get stay-at-home money if he is only here part time. So he went on and on about how I have trapped him, it is because of me that he can't just have his cake and eat it too (my phrase not his), etc.

(a little past history here - about 2 or 3 years ago I had several incidents with my heart where I ended up in the hospital. They turned out to be angina but scary scary anyway)

THEN - he says: "Hopefully, the next time you go to the hospital with a heart attack you never come home!". My jaw dropped. I am pretty used to him saying some really out of no where stuff - but this was shocking. I just looked at him and ran down the stairs. He yelled after me: "I didn't mean it" then went in his room and slammed the door.

The next part is childish of me (I know) but I'm going to tell it all... Because he ALWAYS says ugly things and then 1 hour later says he didn't say them and that I am making them up (this has always gone on ever since I married him - not before). I went downstairs and wrote on several pieces of paper what he said, exactly (including date and time). Then I took tape and hung them up all over the house.

He came downstairs and said: "We need to talk". I said: "Oh no - we've had plenty of that for today. Do NOT talk to me. Leave me alone before something even worse gets said (What could be worse?)."

I packed my lunch. Took my stuff and left for work. I came home late. I made my dinner and ignored both my son and my husband (because my son was on my husband's lap and he wouldn't give him to me and there is no point in him being involved so I just decided to leave it).

After he took our son to bed, he said "Wow - what a great mom you are who can't even be with her son after work." I just kept on making my supper ready to cook - then went to workout (and be away).

And - can you believe it - while I was really really kicking butt on the pyramid (anger as fuel again) - when I was doing the tricep bench thingy - something pulled hard in my left leg. I kept on - determined and angry - but I had to really take it easy with that leg. Now I can't even go up the stairs with it. Something in my thigh. So I've got an ice pack on now. I'm going to take ibuprofen to try to keep the swelling down - and TOMORROW I am going to be FINE!

In a weird way - the focus on this diet is keeping me sane these days. Normally I would use food, or wine, to calm me down after some event like this (OK this was sort of an over the top event). Today, I worked out. Today, I wrote my blog. Tomorrow - I don't know what I will do - but I will not carry anger with me thru the night and I will do my best to not hold onto anger tomorrow. The only person that hurts is me - and I'm trying to get better!

So - that's it. The good, the bad, and the very, very ugly!

Day 7 - Learning to Breathe

Today was a success. I'm calling it that anyway. Our son's tests went MUCH better than we had feared - which goes to show you that worry doesn't help anything. We managed to get home (through the ice and snow). Our handicapped helper was here so we could take a break also.

So - today I thought about what feels different for me this time. (I've only done 1,014 diets to date) Have you ever tried this? It is the night before your diet starts, or the day after your diet starts, or a week in, etc. and you sit and calculate how much you are going to lose, in which period of time, and by what date. Over and over again. I have always done this. Planned perfection.

Why is this different? Because it's 30 days? Because the intensity is high (I have a tendency to add and add and add things to my diet plan (like HOURS of workouts) to make sure I'm covering everything) already? Because there is a group of people doing it? I don't know really.

I do know that normally my life is like this: Breath IN - HOLD YOUR BREATH. Perform everything, as well as possible, as perfect as possible, as extremely as possible until until until .... you have to let out your breath. Then suddenly I find myself saying, "Well I breathed out... so I might as well (fill in the blank - have some wine, have some pizza, not exercise for a few days, give myself a break, etc.)" The problem is the breathing out is followed by a LONG delay before I can gear myself up to breathe in again.

This time, I'm breathing IN and OUT. Not perfectly. But I am. Today, I did my exercises this morning, we did all the tests with our son, then we came home. I laid down for a 1 hour nap before going to work out more and I woke up 6 hours later. I decided since it was already almost 7 pm that I would just breathe out today. And breathe in - tomorrow morning. No extremes. Just breathing.

My body cried out (mentally) "Take a rest". And I listened. And I don't see it as a great failure - but a simple down step with the many up steps we've been taking.

For today- I consider the process of learning to breathe - and to keep doing the process - a success! Good night :-)

P.S. Weight and measurements tomorrow. I cannot follow Dax. He posts that we should do weigh ins in the middle of my days (so weigh in for Day 6 in the middle of day 7 or some such). So I'm going with what I got! Let's hope it's good :-)

P.P.S. I'm of the magnesium. Thank you Melissa you were right - even the tiniest dosage has a bad effect on me! At least I know what to use if I ever get the other problem :-)

Day 4 - First day back to work

Chaos! What else would it be :-) But I got up super early and did the first workout, then made breakfast, lunch, and dinner - ate breakfast - then went and did my cardio. Then quickly showered and off to work. Did the ICP at lunch as I then don't sweat too much. Came home, changed and quickly finished with the last workout! And yes yes yes - done for today!

Now I'm trying to figure out how to do 3 days at the hospital. Food & workouts. I'm going to take fruit and nuts, make some chicken salad for tomorrow then I'm kind of stuck? Maybe I'll be a fruit/nutcake by the time the 3 days is over! :-)

I'm thinking also I will sneak in my hand weights and then when no one is looking get down on the floor and do the workouts. We can't leave the room because our son will be in the burn ward and you can't go in and out.

Also something is really giving my stomach a problem. Lemon juice? Fish oil? or Yogurt? I'm thinking it is one of those OR it is just the elimination diet WORKING a bit too hard! Hopefully this stops soon.

Any suggestions for take along meals that don't require fridge or microwave? I'd appreciate any help! If I can make it thru the next 3 days then I can make it thru anything.

My dear husband said to me tonight: "Do you want a nice glass of red wine?" I said: "No thank you". He said: "Well one way or another I'll get you to break your diet soon." Now WHAT is that about????

Day 3 - One day at a time & Shenpa

Well the prayers didn't exactly work... I woke at 4:45 am unable to sleep further. Tried meditating for a while (which went something like, "Breathe - relax, 'Oh don't forget to email that woman for work and don't forget to finish the office clean out and ' oops, "Breathe - relax, 'Oh yeah and I really don't want to get up and want to sleep more'") - well you get the idea. So I got up at 5:30, did the Matrix thingy for a while then did my Meltdown. That went better than expected - a big YEAH!

Then I showered, got ready - and my son woke up. I took him by the hand to go down the stairs (he cannot walk unassisted) and for some reason he decided to take 3 steps at once. I still kept hold of his hand, he fell laying out in front of me and I stepped down on his foot (from 3 steps up) - and I still kept hold of his hand and kept him from hitting his head. He started crying - and my husband came running. Blame, blame, blame... (mostly out of fear I think)

Anyway - 1/2 the day was spent in the emergency room - where we are frequent visitors - and luckily his foot wasn't broken only sprained. I, having been dragged down the steps by a 50 pound child who cannot control his own body - feel like someone twisted my back in half. I did manage to keep my diet (had nuts and water in my purse), came home and did my cardio - which I thought would HELP my back. Spent the rest of the time walking around like an old granny. So I opted for ice packs, and then the power circuit but skipped the ICP. I'm really disappointed in myself but I want to keep doing this - not kill myself and have to give it all up.

My son is going to the hospital on Tuesday for a surgery on his burned hand. On Thursday he's having an EMG and NCS test - also under anesthesia - if my husband - the doctor - and I don't kill each other over it. (I say he has to be sleeping because we can't have him afraid of needles or doctors - they say "oh he can handle it" - I haven't decided whether to 'watch' or not because I really will kill them if he is hurt or scared or crying.) He has to have so many blood tests, surgeries, etc that I don't want him afraid of doctors and he mentally cannot understand.

My husband thinks that this falling down the stairs today was an example of me not being able to care for our son (though our son has been at the hospital 3 times for stitches while my husband was watching him and 2 times for stitches and once for a broken nose while he was at school). We aren't abusing him - I promise! He has an undiagnosed handicap which includes (ataxia - basically walking like you are unbelievably drunk with no control therefore he must always be in a wheelchair or held by hand or carried, some form of retinitis pigmentosa (which isn't retinitis pigmentosa but they don't know what his version is - which means he is nearly blind - they think), 1/2 of his hearing is lost, his can only clearly speak about 20 words but knows hundreds, and he must still wear diapers and be in a crib - only supersized). He has had over 4,000 tests (including DNA, mitochondria, etc.) and all of them are 'normal'. So we don't know how to treat him (train him, don't train him) (give him extra vitamins or medicine or none at all), etc.

Well you can imagine that our son's situation adds fuel to a burning fire where both my husband and I are abusing OURSELVES by overeating, overworking, overstressing, etc.

The great thing is that I listened to a Pema Chodran "Getting Unstuck" today (I'm not buddhist but I like her) - and she was talking about Shenpa. That feeling you get where someone says something or does something and before your react - you can feel that you ARE going to react (or that you want to). Shenpa keeps you stuck reacting the same ways over and over again. It was a lovely dialogue and reminded me - I'm stuck. In lots of ways.

I don't want to be so negative here because actually I'm a positive person (extremely most would say) - but I'm trying to use this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings to work out why I'm stuck. Why I'm stuck in my relationship. Why I'm stuck in my body. Why I'm stuck working too hard. Why I'm feeling just generally stuck and wishing that everything and everyone would disappear for a while so I could actually sit and read a book or watch a movie without everyone feeling like the fact that I sat down means that I must need something to do - or someone to be around - or ...

So enough whining. The day did not go badly. Our son didn't break his foot - so we'll we have to carry him for some days, but he will be in the hospital so the timing is as 'good' as it could ever be. I didn't break anything. I didn't kill my husband AND I stuck to my diet! Can't get better than that ! :-)