Day 3 - One day at a time & Shenpa

Well the prayers didn't exactly work... I woke at 4:45 am unable to sleep further. Tried meditating for a while (which went something like, "Breathe - relax, 'Oh don't forget to email that woman for work and don't forget to finish the office clean out and ' oops, "Breathe - relax, 'Oh yeah and I really don't want to get up and want to sleep more'") - well you get the idea. So I got up at 5:30, did the Matrix thingy for a while then did my Meltdown. That went better than expected - a big YEAH!

Then I showered, got ready - and my son woke up. I took him by the hand to go down the stairs (he cannot walk unassisted) and for some reason he decided to take 3 steps at once. I still kept hold of his hand, he fell laying out in front of me and I stepped down on his foot (from 3 steps up) - and I still kept hold of his hand and kept him from hitting his head. He started crying - and my husband came running. Blame, blame, blame... (mostly out of fear I think)

Anyway - 1/2 the day was spent in the emergency room - where we are frequent visitors - and luckily his foot wasn't broken only sprained. I, having been dragged down the steps by a 50 pound child who cannot control his own body - feel like someone twisted my back in half. I did manage to keep my diet (had nuts and water in my purse), came home and did my cardio - which I thought would HELP my back. Spent the rest of the time walking around like an old granny. So I opted for ice packs, and then the power circuit but skipped the ICP. I'm really disappointed in myself but I want to keep doing this - not kill myself and have to give it all up.

My son is going to the hospital on Tuesday for a surgery on his burned hand. On Thursday he's having an EMG and NCS test - also under anesthesia - if my husband - the doctor - and I don't kill each other over it. (I say he has to be sleeping because we can't have him afraid of needles or doctors - they say "oh he can handle it" - I haven't decided whether to 'watch' or not because I really will kill them if he is hurt or scared or crying.) He has to have so many blood tests, surgeries, etc that I don't want him afraid of doctors and he mentally cannot understand.

My husband thinks that this falling down the stairs today was an example of me not being able to care for our son (though our son has been at the hospital 3 times for stitches while my husband was watching him and 2 times for stitches and once for a broken nose while he was at school). We aren't abusing him - I promise! He has an undiagnosed handicap which includes (ataxia - basically walking like you are unbelievably drunk with no control therefore he must always be in a wheelchair or held by hand or carried, some form of retinitis pigmentosa (which isn't retinitis pigmentosa but they don't know what his version is - which means he is nearly blind - they think), 1/2 of his hearing is lost, his can only clearly speak about 20 words but knows hundreds, and he must still wear diapers and be in a crib - only supersized). He has had over 4,000 tests (including DNA, mitochondria, etc.) and all of them are 'normal'. So we don't know how to treat him (train him, don't train him) (give him extra vitamins or medicine or none at all), etc.

Well you can imagine that our son's situation adds fuel to a burning fire where both my husband and I are abusing OURSELVES by overeating, overworking, overstressing, etc.

The great thing is that I listened to a Pema Chodran "Getting Unstuck" today (I'm not buddhist but I like her) - and she was talking about Shenpa. That feeling you get where someone says something or does something and before your react - you can feel that you ARE going to react (or that you want to). Shenpa keeps you stuck reacting the same ways over and over again. It was a lovely dialogue and reminded me - I'm stuck. In lots of ways.

I don't want to be so negative here because actually I'm a positive person (extremely most would say) - but I'm trying to use this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings to work out why I'm stuck. Why I'm stuck in my relationship. Why I'm stuck in my body. Why I'm stuck working too hard. Why I'm feeling just generally stuck and wishing that everything and everyone would disappear for a while so I could actually sit and read a book or watch a movie without everyone feeling like the fact that I sat down means that I must need something to do - or someone to be around - or ...

So enough whining. The day did not go badly. Our son didn't break his foot - so we'll we have to carry him for some days, but he will be in the hospital so the timing is as 'good' as it could ever be. I didn't break anything. I didn't kill my husband AND I stuck to my diet! Can't get better than that ! :-)