Well I want a log... (oh, yeah, a blog) - telling me, and anyone interested in what I'm going thru at this time of year - this time of my life - and the torture :-) I'm getting ready to start with Dax Moy.
First a few brief details, I've been married for over 12 years now. The marriage is not hilly - it is MOUNTAINOUS! My husband believes in 'say whatever pops out of your mouth - and repent later'. I come from the 'if you say it, you believe it in your brain somewhere' school.
More history later - but at the moment, we have a 5 year old child who is multiple handicapped. Partially blind, partially deaf, cannot walk unassisted, cannot sit unassisted, cannot speak clearly more than 10 words (can speak unclearly about 100-200). On top of this - we have no diagnosis - even having been thru 1000's of tests. Further, he fell into a fire on the beach (the day after the fire when someone had covered it over with sand) and got third degree and fourth degree burns on both hands, wrists, chest, etc. Because he can't walk alone - he couldn't get up out of the fire. We are getting ready for surgery number 4 next week.
Lots of discussions with doctors, lots of tests, no diagnosis... (more on this another day)
OK, so this year - I change careers (BIG TIME) so I can be at home more. I can be closer to home, I can fulfill my husband's wishes that I have a 'normal' job (I've been an entrepreneur with multiple companies my whole life). So now I have the 'normal' job - but the fact is, I haven't changed. I'm still an entrepreneur. I still look around me and see what needs done - and do it. So I've found in my new job that I have been presented with unprecedented opportunities which I don't really want to turn down. Bad news for my husband - who really wants a 9-3 wife. Funny enough - he wants a 9-3 wife, who makes mega-money, and who fulfills all his wifely and sexual desires at the same time. WOW - I just can't quite get over that bar!
Here's the thing - he is a wonderful man and a wonderful person. But I'm not ever going to get over that bar. So we have been 'stuck' together due to our child, primarily, for the last 5 years - though things weren't great before that. Or shall I say - they are great, then terrible, great, then terrible...
Now - I'm facing 2010 - reading things from 2000 which are a mirror of what he says and does today. I've changed. I'm more accepting. I let his comments go - for the most part. I ignore the hurts. I take a 'holy breath'. But - the pain, while something that should help you grow - is also turning inwards on me. I'm using this pain to justify the reason I'm fat. The reason I'm unhealthy. The reason I don't take care of myself. (as an example - if I get up before anyone in the house to workout - he says I care more for myself than everyone else on earth and I'm horribly selfish - because otherwise I'd use that time to satisfy him sexually or clean the house or ...)
I don't want to paint him as a monster. I've turned myself into the monster - by just turning the other cheek over and over and over again - and then feeding myself with anything (sometimes massive exercise, sometimes liquid diets, sometimes bottles of wine, excessiveness everywhere) to ignore the pain and keep my mouth shut.
Am I a weak person? I don't think so. No one that knows me would say that. But at the moment, I've been told (by a lawyer) - if I leave the house, I will lose any money I have in the house and probably my custody of my child. He is so handicapped - that we both need 1/2 time custody so we can have a break - neither of us could take care of him 24x7 without a break. But my husband has decided to take a stand - I should leave, he keeps the house and our son - and that is it.
What am I doing? Sitting in my room blogging on New Year's Eve in order not to sit at the table with him - I'm drinking some wine - I'm eating some M&M's - and I'm preparing myself for tomorrow to be a new day!
For me it will be! I hope it will be for you too!
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I'm trying to write a personal ad for my husband: :-)
ReplyDeleteWanted, wife who dresses sexy, with high heels, stockings, and black leather - even while gardening (which she LOVES to do). Wife must make a lot of money while working little so she can spend all of her time taking care of me and the house and children. Must also enjoy long walks in the woods, romantic evenings filled with JAMES BOND movies, and trampy sex. Young, beautiful and sexy are required - and must LOVE being with older, out of shape man!
What do you think???? :-) Any takers?
Your husband sounds like a very self-absorbed man. What does he offer that would make a woman like that want to be with him? Not much from the sound of it. Certainly not support, which is what women seem to want most.
ReplyDeleteI understand staying together for your child, but that is not truly what is best for you or the child. Children (even special needs children) know when their parents aren't happy, and it has an effect on them.