Day 10 - "You can't hire someone else to do your push-ups for you"

The quote is by Jim Rohn. I started reading Jack Canfield's book "How to get from where you are to where you want to be". It is wonderful. All stuff you intuitively know - but have thrown out the door. I'm reading, underlining, making notes. It really gave me a great sense of perspective today. About taking 100% responsibility for where I am in my life.

He gave an equation: E + R = O (Events + Responses = Outcome). He talks about that events happen (sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes not) but it is your responses that will determine the outcome. This has been so try for me. My responses are usually brave and upbeat - but they aren't responses that would change the outcome. That is where I have been falling down. So for example, when my husband says really awful things to me (I'm painting the picture that he is an awful person which he is not - but he can sometimes be a really awful person to me and a few other people that are close to him) - I respond (usually) calmly, or I walk away. But that doesn't change the outcome at all. I thought - Wow, I'm being really great by not fighting back, by not allowing him to provoke me - but I was not responding in a way that would change the outcome.

So today, when he started in on me again (this is still from the other day) - I said: "I've told you what I want in a divorce and you don't agree. Please send me an email with what you think would be fair for me to receive." He FREAKED. I just kept repeating that I did not want to fight, this wasn't a fight - but we have moved to that place now (thanks to a lot of things, but the icing on the cake was the other day) where it is time to say - how can we move on? Honestly, I don't know if that means with or without him but I'm thinking that I'm going to keep making all these changes with the Dax Moy program and THEN I'm going to make a lot of other changes. I'm going to change ALL my responses (one at a time but I AM going to do it) until I get the outcomes I want. This might mean that he cannot live with me or love me anymore - and that may be how it is. I'm finished with letting life (my personal life - I'm not like this at work at all) be tossed around like a ship lost at sea.

I managed all my foods, my exercises, and spent 90% of the day with my son. He is such an angel - truly only in the "NOW" - but he is a handful too.

We've had no internet most of yesterday and today due to a major snowstorm which closed everything down. I think the snow is clearing so I will have to be at work at 8:00 am tomorrow for exams. Not looking forward to it really - but the students are always wonderful - so that will be refreshing.

And P.S. - a little secret - I have to go on a business trip starting on Thursday. I won't be back til February 1. I'm going to Malaysia and China. I'm so damned determined that during that time period I am going to give 110% to the 30/30 project that when I come back people won't recognise me! :-) I've already told my colleage/translator that he has to explain I'm on a special program due to stomach problems and can only take certain foods (because they love to FEED you - especially in China). So hopefully that will overcome insulting anyone. I've also booked only hotels with fitness rooms - and I'm going to come back glowing. THAT is my goal for February 1.

P.P.S. I need to write down a lot of other goals - because if they aren't written, you won't get there. But I'm sticking with this goal for now. It is consuming all my time and energy. However, if I accomplish it - who KNOWS what I can accomplish next!

Have a great day!

Day 9 - 3 times bad luck?

I woke today in a good enough spirit and my thigh and calf seemed better (but not perfect) - so I kept my workouts to a slightly lower tempo. Still having MAJOR indigestion and I'm thinking it is the fish oil. I'm leaving that off tomorrow and the next day and seeing what happens. But the extra carbs today helped my appetite some (at least the food tasted good) - but I could still only manage around 1.000 calories for the whole day. Weird.

On a more personal note, the condition I'm in is just ridiculous. I'm appalled at myself. My son weighs between 50 - 60 pounds (25 kilo) and he is a 'dead weight' to carry. Imagine carrying a sack of dog food, for example, that weighed 50 pounds. Now imagine the sack fighting against you - throwing itself backwards, kicking, squirming to get down, etc. We have to lift my son continuously - but especially this last week because he has a sprained foot - thanks to our fall down the stairs. Needless to say - this is back breaking. Our 28 year old handicapped helper has been in twice for problems with her back and shoulders due to carrying and lifting him. I'm 44 and in CRAP shape and also had a herniated disk 2 years ago - so I'm really up a creek. My husband is way overweight also - but he is physically strong - THANK GOD - even though he is 52. So the lifting, carrying, etc. is down to him - which is a big burden (and no I have not forgotten yesterday but objectivity is a must here).

Anyway - this is one of my motivations for doing this program - to be in good enough shape to lift him without killing myself.

So yesterday, (like the universe is conspiring against me), I hurt my thigh doing the exercises (strike one - but I was back and fighting today). Today, I have to move my office upstairs because my son's new bed (appx 6 feet tall and 6 feet long with bars all around and padding too for when he falls) is going to go in downstairs. I wasn't about to ask my husband for help - so when I was taking apart my desk - which has a top section on it - I lifted the top section off myself and OUCHHHHHH my back! (strike two) So I tried ice for a while. But I only had one exercise left for the day - and I'm sure these exercises ARE going to make me stronger so I decided to try it. (ICP) Anyway - I was taking it easy and it was going well. Then I went to sit on the exercise ball for the last exercise of the whole set - the shoulder press sitting on the ball. I sat back and the ball rolled backwards. I went flying backwards also, got my left big toe caught underneath me and fell backwards on my butt and back. (strike three)

The toe is not broken - which is good because our entire island (which is BIG) is closed due to snow. The back is aching. The thigh and calf are better. Relationship - we have spoken about 5 words all day - my choice. I'm not angry but I just don't want to go there if you know what I mean.

Anyway - a carb day today and so hopefully that gives me some energy for tomorrow because I have my son for 1/2 day by myself tomorrow. Don't get me wrong - I love to be with him. But the lifting him and carrying him worries me - especially after our fall down the stairs. Plus now he has a huge bit mitt on his hand that was operated and a sprained foot (same side) - so he is more or less totally wheelchair bound or has to be lifted to his high chair, changing table, etc. And if he doesn't WANT to be lifted - well then that makes it even more fun :-).

But I'm getting stronger everyday - I can feel it. And one of these days it isn't going to kill me to lift him. And one of these days I am going to manage those stupid spiderman exercises! Hopefully my 3 strikes are up and tomorrow will be a GREAT day.

P.S. Still no cheating on my diet - that's why I don't mention it much. Not being hungry has it's benefits!

Day 8 - The good, the bad, and the ugly

Well weigh in was today - so we'll start with that:

I was a bit disappointed with the weight loss seeing as how I'm starting with such a high number but OK down is down... The great thing was some inches (centimeters) off my waist and hips. I'd have thought with all the pushups and squats something would have happened to my arms and legs but hey, my body has other things in mind. Anyway - if I do this again next week - I'll take it :-).

I had the 'sleepies' hangover from too much sleep yesterday but went and worked out - and got my early morning (5:30 am) workout in. Then I didn't have to be in to work til 10:30 so I did another workout at 9:00. All was well.

Then husband pressed the PLAY button on FIGHT NUMBER 5. (I figure if we just record our fights there are about 10 that we have consistently - so it would save a lot of energy if we just played the tape instead of having the same old fight again.) Anyway - fight number 5 has to do with me working too much (because he stays home and takes care of our son this year, last year I did it) and not caring about my family, my house, fill in the blank. Anyway - I've learned not to fight back - just to listen. He is the type who can really rant and rant and go on and on. I'm more the say few things but mean them person.

Anyway - I replied to all the ranting by telling him to please quit talking about (this has been going on some time) and DO something about it. But he feels trapped. If we get divorced, then we will have to sell the house (which is his pride and joy) and he will have to return to work as it is almost always so in Denmark that people get joint custody - and he can't get stay-at-home money if he is only here part time. So he went on and on about how I have trapped him, it is because of me that he can't just have his cake and eat it too (my phrase not his), etc.

(a little past history here - about 2 or 3 years ago I had several incidents with my heart where I ended up in the hospital. They turned out to be angina but scary scary anyway)

THEN - he says: "Hopefully, the next time you go to the hospital with a heart attack you never come home!". My jaw dropped. I am pretty used to him saying some really out of no where stuff - but this was shocking. I just looked at him and ran down the stairs. He yelled after me: "I didn't mean it" then went in his room and slammed the door.

The next part is childish of me (I know) but I'm going to tell it all... Because he ALWAYS says ugly things and then 1 hour later says he didn't say them and that I am making them up (this has always gone on ever since I married him - not before). I went downstairs and wrote on several pieces of paper what he said, exactly (including date and time). Then I took tape and hung them up all over the house.

He came downstairs and said: "We need to talk". I said: "Oh no - we've had plenty of that for today. Do NOT talk to me. Leave me alone before something even worse gets said (What could be worse?)."

I packed my lunch. Took my stuff and left for work. I came home late. I made my dinner and ignored both my son and my husband (because my son was on my husband's lap and he wouldn't give him to me and there is no point in him being involved so I just decided to leave it).

After he took our son to bed, he said "Wow - what a great mom you are who can't even be with her son after work." I just kept on making my supper ready to cook - then went to workout (and be away).

And - can you believe it - while I was really really kicking butt on the pyramid (anger as fuel again) - when I was doing the tricep bench thingy - something pulled hard in my left leg. I kept on - determined and angry - but I had to really take it easy with that leg. Now I can't even go up the stairs with it. Something in my thigh. So I've got an ice pack on now. I'm going to take ibuprofen to try to keep the swelling down - and TOMORROW I am going to be FINE!

In a weird way - the focus on this diet is keeping me sane these days. Normally I would use food, or wine, to calm me down after some event like this (OK this was sort of an over the top event). Today, I worked out. Today, I wrote my blog. Tomorrow - I don't know what I will do - but I will not carry anger with me thru the night and I will do my best to not hold onto anger tomorrow. The only person that hurts is me - and I'm trying to get better!

So - that's it. The good, the bad, and the very, very ugly!

Day 7 - Learning to Breathe

Today was a success. I'm calling it that anyway. Our son's tests went MUCH better than we had feared - which goes to show you that worry doesn't help anything. We managed to get home (through the ice and snow). Our handicapped helper was here so we could take a break also.

So - today I thought about what feels different for me this time. (I've only done 1,014 diets to date) Have you ever tried this? It is the night before your diet starts, or the day after your diet starts, or a week in, etc. and you sit and calculate how much you are going to lose, in which period of time, and by what date. Over and over again. I have always done this. Planned perfection.

Why is this different? Because it's 30 days? Because the intensity is high (I have a tendency to add and add and add things to my diet plan (like HOURS of workouts) to make sure I'm covering everything) already? Because there is a group of people doing it? I don't know really.

I do know that normally my life is like this: Breath IN - HOLD YOUR BREATH. Perform everything, as well as possible, as perfect as possible, as extremely as possible until until until .... you have to let out your breath. Then suddenly I find myself saying, "Well I breathed out... so I might as well (fill in the blank - have some wine, have some pizza, not exercise for a few days, give myself a break, etc.)" The problem is the breathing out is followed by a LONG delay before I can gear myself up to breathe in again.

This time, I'm breathing IN and OUT. Not perfectly. But I am. Today, I did my exercises this morning, we did all the tests with our son, then we came home. I laid down for a 1 hour nap before going to work out more and I woke up 6 hours later. I decided since it was already almost 7 pm that I would just breathe out today. And breathe in - tomorrow morning. No extremes. Just breathing.

My body cried out (mentally) "Take a rest". And I listened. And I don't see it as a great failure - but a simple down step with the many up steps we've been taking.

For today- I consider the process of learning to breathe - and to keep doing the process - a success! Good night :-)

P.S. Weight and measurements tomorrow. I cannot follow Dax. He posts that we should do weigh ins in the middle of my days (so weigh in for Day 6 in the middle of day 7 or some such). So I'm going with what I got! Let's hope it's good :-)

P.P.S. I'm of the magnesium. Thank you Melissa you were right - even the tiniest dosage has a bad effect on me! At least I know what to use if I ever get the other problem :-)

Day 6 - HARD! Surgery today

Today my son had his surgery on his hand. The burn ward temperature is about 85 degrees farenheit - and there is suppose to be no open windows or doors. Thankfully because of his handicap we have a room to ourselves we can adjust a bit.

While he was at surgery I did the first new exercise, the Pyramid. OMG - a killer! And I'm sure I will feel it tomorrow. Then I decided after he was back from surgery and I fed him some lunch and he and hubby were playing a bit, I'd do cardio. My option I picked - stair climbing. That was INSANE! And I could really, really feel how out of shape I am! I keep feeling stronger and better everyday with the other exercises but wow - that kicked my butt!

I managed the third workout while my husband fed my son his dinner (not only can he not normally really eat by himself but now one arm is completely bound in for the next two weeks). He still can't walk from where we fell down the stairs - so we are really doing good here! Tomorrow is the trial - and please, please, send prayers and happy thoughts to my son! This test has been dreaded for a long, long time (an EMG if anyone knows what that is).

Food - still totally 100% on plan but honestly having a problem eating enough. WHAT? Having a problem eating enough? Something is seriously wrong here! (or seriously right!)

I'm totally wrecked from the heat, the surgery, the stress, the new workouts, and yeah - just tired. Amazingly (and gratefully), hubby didn't comment or get in the way of me being silly and laying on the hospital floor doing exercises. That IS a step in the right direction. Another point for seriously right! :-)

Thank you all for being the team that is 'cheering' for me. It makes me feel accountable - but in a super, positive way!

Day 5 - Snowbound & hospital bound

Well first - it snowed. Then my husband couldn't get out to take our son to the hospital for the meeting with the doctors (finally managed with chains). Then I couldn't get out to an important meeting at my work (which is why I wasn't riding with my husband). THEN Dax changed everything! Arghhhh!

I had 3 days of food made, ready to go, and my exercises all planned out - and he moved the goal post. Well, OK. Since I was not making it to my meeting and had to wait for the tractors to get me out - I managed to revamp everything. I hope we have more notice next time especially with all this freaky winter weather.

Finally got out - trip to Copenhagen took 2 1/2 times as long as normal. I got all exercises and food in before I left (early, early dinner where I wasn't really hungry). So today was a good day!

Day 4 - First day back to work

Chaos! What else would it be :-) But I got up super early and did the first workout, then made breakfast, lunch, and dinner - ate breakfast - then went and did my cardio. Then quickly showered and off to work. Did the ICP at lunch as I then don't sweat too much. Came home, changed and quickly finished with the last workout! And yes yes yes - done for today!

Now I'm trying to figure out how to do 3 days at the hospital. Food & workouts. I'm going to take fruit and nuts, make some chicken salad for tomorrow then I'm kind of stuck? Maybe I'll be a fruit/nutcake by the time the 3 days is over! :-)

I'm thinking also I will sneak in my hand weights and then when no one is looking get down on the floor and do the workouts. We can't leave the room because our son will be in the burn ward and you can't go in and out.

Also something is really giving my stomach a problem. Lemon juice? Fish oil? or Yogurt? I'm thinking it is one of those OR it is just the elimination diet WORKING a bit too hard! Hopefully this stops soon.

Any suggestions for take along meals that don't require fridge or microwave? I'd appreciate any help! If I can make it thru the next 3 days then I can make it thru anything.

My dear husband said to me tonight: "Do you want a nice glass of red wine?" I said: "No thank you". He said: "Well one way or another I'll get you to break your diet soon." Now WHAT is that about????