Day 7 - Learning to Breathe

Today was a success. I'm calling it that anyway. Our son's tests went MUCH better than we had feared - which goes to show you that worry doesn't help anything. We managed to get home (through the ice and snow). Our handicapped helper was here so we could take a break also.

So - today I thought about what feels different for me this time. (I've only done 1,014 diets to date) Have you ever tried this? It is the night before your diet starts, or the day after your diet starts, or a week in, etc. and you sit and calculate how much you are going to lose, in which period of time, and by what date. Over and over again. I have always done this. Planned perfection.

Why is this different? Because it's 30 days? Because the intensity is high (I have a tendency to add and add and add things to my diet plan (like HOURS of workouts) to make sure I'm covering everything) already? Because there is a group of people doing it? I don't know really.

I do know that normally my life is like this: Breath IN - HOLD YOUR BREATH. Perform everything, as well as possible, as perfect as possible, as extremely as possible until until until .... you have to let out your breath. Then suddenly I find myself saying, "Well I breathed out... so I might as well (fill in the blank - have some wine, have some pizza, not exercise for a few days, give myself a break, etc.)" The problem is the breathing out is followed by a LONG delay before I can gear myself up to breathe in again.

This time, I'm breathing IN and OUT. Not perfectly. But I am. Today, I did my exercises this morning, we did all the tests with our son, then we came home. I laid down for a 1 hour nap before going to work out more and I woke up 6 hours later. I decided since it was already almost 7 pm that I would just breathe out today. And breathe in - tomorrow morning. No extremes. Just breathing.

My body cried out (mentally) "Take a rest". And I listened. And I don't see it as a great failure - but a simple down step with the many up steps we've been taking.

For today- I consider the process of learning to breathe - and to keep doing the process - a success! Good night :-)

P.S. Weight and measurements tomorrow. I cannot follow Dax. He posts that we should do weigh ins in the middle of my days (so weigh in for Day 6 in the middle of day 7 or some such). So I'm going with what I got! Let's hope it's good :-)

P.P.S. I'm of the magnesium. Thank you Melissa you were right - even the tiniest dosage has a bad effect on me! At least I know what to use if I ever get the other problem :-)

Day 4 - First day back to work

Chaos! What else would it be :-) But I got up super early and did the first workout, then made breakfast, lunch, and dinner - ate breakfast - then went and did my cardio. Then quickly showered and off to work. Did the ICP at lunch as I then don't sweat too much. Came home, changed and quickly finished with the last workout! And yes yes yes - done for today!

Now I'm trying to figure out how to do 3 days at the hospital. Food & workouts. I'm going to take fruit and nuts, make some chicken salad for tomorrow then I'm kind of stuck? Maybe I'll be a fruit/nutcake by the time the 3 days is over! :-)

I'm thinking also I will sneak in my hand weights and then when no one is looking get down on the floor and do the workouts. We can't leave the room because our son will be in the burn ward and you can't go in and out.

Also something is really giving my stomach a problem. Lemon juice? Fish oil? or Yogurt? I'm thinking it is one of those OR it is just the elimination diet WORKING a bit too hard! Hopefully this stops soon.

Any suggestions for take along meals that don't require fridge or microwave? I'd appreciate any help! If I can make it thru the next 3 days then I can make it thru anything.

My dear husband said to me tonight: "Do you want a nice glass of red wine?" I said: "No thank you". He said: "Well one way or another I'll get you to break your diet soon." Now WHAT is that about????

Day 2 - Lead, Follow, or Get the Heck out of the Way!

I did it! Day 2. I even had a birthday dinner I had to cook tonight and I managed to separate food out - so they got 'theirs' the 'good' way and I got mine the 'right' way!

Got up early before my son and did the Meltdown. Having that out of the way honestly made the rest of the day seem much easier - though I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to work.

I'm trying to keep this blog about my 'diet' or 'torture' or 'craziness' or whatever you want to call it. However, I can't seem to separate out my personal issues from my food/exercise/life style issues. I used to be able to compartmentalise so much better. That feeling (or relationship or situation) in THAT box - this feeling in this box, etc. Now it's all blended together. I feel, on one hand, like I'm really being a bitch (no other word for it sorry). Why? Because I'm saying "No, I won't do that" or "Sorry - but I need to do this for me" or (like tonight): "Hey I baked you the cake, made the food, and I'm here to celebrate but it isn't personal that I'm not eating the same food as you".

So - what started as an OK, calm day has ended off with me annoyed - again. Thus my title today - I want the people in my life to either lead me in a positive direction (spiritually, mentally, physically, etc), follow me, or get OUT OF MY WAY.

If 2010 ends with me in the same situation I'm in now - I will have given in. I'll be nothing more than a piece of clay that others mold and shape to fit their wants and needs. I will get more tattered, more discolored, and eventually be unrecognisable. So, for now - I'm going with PISSED OFF. If that is what motivates me - then so be it. I'm pissed off (sorry for the language) that it is NOT OK for me to do 'my' thing, it is NOT OK for me to have needs that don't accomodate everyone else, and it is NOT OK for me to be me.

The anger is the fuel for the fire right now. I know, over time, that it will be replaced by other healthier things - but for now anger (annoyance) is how I'm dealing with it.

Blah blah... I did ALL my workouts, ate VERY well (maybe too many lentils but they are allowed!), and I FINISHED DAY TWO. Crossed fingers and prayers on wings for a good day tomorrow!