Catching up... 3 1/2 months 'in'

Well this blog thing just went by the wayside while I was in China. I couldn't access it at all (because of their firewalls) and when I came home I just kept on 'not' doing it. Boo.

Things are crazy. I'm still following ED, trying - trying to get my exercises in (though this time of the semester is nuts at uni), and I'm getting close to my goal number 1 which I set for Meltdown. It is sad it has taken me almost 4 months to reach a goal I had hoped to reach in 1 month but actually, I don't feel sad about it. I feel like I'm on a 'life plan' now - and that is a HUGE, fundamental difference for me from anything else I've ever done. I don't have a voice in my head saying, if I miss a day of exercise, "Well - see you can't do this anyway. It is impossible. Too hard. You'll never succeed at losing this weight so you might as well just give up and enjoy life." That voice has been replaced with "Well, life happens, you'll hopefully get your workout in later tonight or tomorrow but keep on because you are going to get there!"

That is HUGE! :-)

On the downside, my husband and I are really, really over (I think). He is so angry, so full of anger, hate, disappointment, etc. He is depressed. And it is ALL my fault. I feel like Darth Vadar - "the source of all evil". It is overwhelming me to be constantly considered the source of every problem in his life. The list of things I am a failure at grows daily and I have given up fighting back. I walk away - almost always. It is more and more frequent now that I come home and he has been drinking before I get home. When I get home, all his pent up anger is directed at me with a shower of "You don't xxx, you never xxx, you always xxx". There is no way to 'fight back' against that kind of depression and anger.

I asked him the other night - after 3 or 4 of his rants in one evening, what it would take to make him "happy". Did he want the house? Full custody of our child? All our pension money? WHAT????? DAMN IT??? What?

He told me that once upon a time, in the beginning, I loved him like he wants to be loved. We were together always, we couldn't bare to be apart, we were always touching and loving each other, - basically we were 'in love'. He told me that his previous girlfriend also 'once' loved him like that. In order for him to be 'happy' - he says - he needs to be loved like that all the time.

This just made me sad. Because if this is what it takes for him to be happy, he is never, ever going to find happiness. I want him to be happy. He is a wonderful person. But the idea that happiness comes from within is as foreign to him as living on the moon. I don't see how, after 14 years, that I can convince him otherwise. SAD!

So, Dax has been sending out all these messages about setting our top 100 goals and what an ideal day looks like. I am SO stuck in my life right now (more or less teetering on the edge of whatever is happening next but waiting on my husband to make the move so things happen calmly) that I can't imagine what the perfect day looks like. I can't even imagine what my goals look like - except to get myself thin, fit, and healthy. What can I say?

A perfect day involves my son being well! A perfect day involves my husband? I don't know. Not in the current state or let's face it - the state it has been for years now. I love and respect him but my tolerance for his needs to make me into this woman that doesn't exist has gone to almost zero.

What about my goals? Every time I think of something, like going on a safari, I feel like I need to choose - my husband (and HIS dreams of how our life should be) and my son (who at this time and the way things are now can NEVER go on a safari) - or my own dreams/goals. I cannot choose. I just can't.

I'm stuck. I'm really - every day - getting up, going to work (which I love), dreading coming home, and moving in a way - like if I turn too quickly everything around me will shatter. I walk in the door from work and go on auto pilot. I don't react. I don't respond. Emotions off. Mouth shut. Perform the functions required of me. Go to bed as soon as possible. Repeat.

HOW did I get to this place? How do I get out??????????????????????????

Day 16 - The fat woman in the gym

Yeah - that was me! I know people are looking - thinking "What is SHE doing here?" "Who is she kidding?" etc.

But then I try to remind myself of the 18/40/60 rule. At 18, you are worried what everyone is thinking about you. At 40, you don't give a darn what everyone thinks about you. At 60, you realise no one was even thinking about you.

So - based on that - I'm ignoring the looks. I enjoyed great food today - protein, fresh fruits, and veg. No problems sticking to the diet although I'm a bit unsure of some of the seasonings but I can't get around that. Tomorrow will be harder with low carb again - and I'm flying to China tomorrow with very little food in my bag besides nuts. That will have to do :-)

Thank you all for the support! My home life hasn't improved and my husband and I haven't talked since I left. (I have emailed him my flight details - that is it) We'll see if these few weeks away give us a fresh perspective. But for sure - the one thing I am focused on is that I am going to finish this 30 days - and then 30 more after that!

If I'm lucky I can see the blog in China - but I'm kind of doubting it - and I will miss it :-( but it is a good test anyway. I look forward to see what changes we should make next week!

Good luck all!

Day 15 - Here then there...

Day 15 was spent on airplanes. It is incredibly hard not to have a glass of wine - or some 'snack' type foods - but I just dug out my own food - and let everyone look at me strangely.
I was eating hard boiled eggs in Amsterdam airport - and security came up to me - wondered what I was doing, asked for all my info (passport, ticket, etc) - then laughingly told me it was smart to bring my own food because the airport food was terrible AND expensive :-).

I discovered a trick for not wanting ANY of the food on the plane. I pre-ordered a gluten-free meal on KLM. The food that came (first before everyone else got theirs which meant I wasn't hungry by the time the other food came around) was SOOOO disgusting I couldn't even look at it. Seriously -it was not recognisable except to say I am sure it had thousands of chemicals in it. Used the knife/fork, salt/pepper - and ate my own food from my purse :-). After the long flight, when it was 'breakfast' time - I ate my avocado, some raw carrots, and a few nuts. YEAH.

Now I only have to figure out how to get the hotel to pack me a 'lunch' when I take my plane flights home :-). Looking forward to measurements and working out tomorrow after all this travel.

Day 14 - HELP Please!

In case I am too stressed and crazy in the morning doing last minute packing, I have a big favor to ask someone. (I have asked Dax but he hasn't replied)

I will be in China from Sunday - and I won't be able to blog or see blogs due to their firewall restrictions. Could someone please email me the newest pdf workout? I can get email no problem. I would really, really appreciate it. Also - if there is any change to the eating plan.

Thank you so much! My email is womanatmidlife (at) gmail.com.

Day 13 - Measurement & higher carb day

Today started with such excitement - I KNEW I was down in weight and inches. By ALOT! Then I weighed. 3 times. How could it be (scientifically speaking) that I have taken in around 1,000 calories a day, eaten enough fat, eaten low carb, and exercised my little bum off - to find out I weigh THE SAME? I mean I am 5 ft 2 in - and started at 218 pounds. You would think it would go away faster - I can sure gain it faster :-)

Anyway - I wasn't too discouraged actually just said - OK tomorrow it will be gone. Turns out everyone else on the board had a similar 3 days so maybe it was the moon?

Anyway - I went down, had my oatmeal (forgot my egg :-( ) and then went to do a little MM and a short bike ride to warm up. Started the pyramid and on 2x I re-injured my left thigh from the injury about 4 or 5 days ago. I hurt so bad that I decided to try the SB lunges. That hurt too. I couldn't even do squats. I was so hurting and so discouraged I stopped after 5x-1 and really only had 7 minutes something left I was going to slowly.

This pain - plus a new one (in my lower left leg outside bone) - continued all day. My left toe is also the one I fell on. So I'm wondering - what is happening with the left side of me? I need to remove it or something. The disc I herniated 2 years ago is in my lower right back - so I'm wondering if somehow I am favoring that without being aware of it and this is causing some added strain on my left side which is showing up this way. Anyway - I did not manage my cardio or the other two exercises. Plain hurting too much.

I also had to pack my office today before leaving tomorrow for Malaysia because while I'm gone they will move us to a new building. Interesting. Anyway - that gave me quite a workout and added to the pain.

So by tonight I'm tired, discouraged - and a bit down. But tomorrow is a new day - and I am headed towards sunshine and heat so that makes me happy (even if it is for 2 days only! and then on to COLD China). I've bought my snacks and food - and I will be the weirdo on the plane eating my own food and doing the Power Circuit in the aisle :-).

Here's to tomorrow - and a HUGE drop in inches (which is what counts in the end). (but the pounds would be nice too)

Day 12 - My goals

I want to put in my goals - to really put them down - and shoot for them! So here is me: where I started and where I'm going in the short term.

"They" (I'd love to know who that is!) say - the first step in achieving your goals is to write them down. So, that step is done. :-)

Today, I had to squeeze the last 3 workouts into about 5 hours but I got them in. I also started taking my son's fish oil (I gave mine up a few days ago which totally stopped my indigestion) - and like magic my appetite came back. I don't know if it was the fish oil but something was better today.

I'm sort of worried about the 24 hours of traveling on Thursday/Friday. It means I will miss my Friday workout (leave here Thursday at 2 pm, get there Friday at 8 pm) and it means I need to carry a good bit of food with me that will get thru security. Any ideas? I can't have anything to keep it cold because they will throw that out. I tried ordering a gluten free menu on KLM (which they appear to offer but don't really) - but it probably has other stuff I can't have. I'd appreciate any ideas!

Lastly, tomorrow is weigh in/measurement day. Busy day for me too as I leave on Thursday and I have to pack up my office too because we are moving buildings while I am gone - but I'm going to do my FOUR ! Food good, workouts good, muscles SORE. Good day!

Day 11 - Oooohhh! Obesity killing us as fast as smoking.

Today I am on day 2 of low carb - and again I cannot eat. I am literally gagging my food down. My goodness if I had known this secret - well, I THINK I would have tried it...? But who knows?

I'm also struggling - we got new exercises today and the last two I didn't have a chance of doing. It was laughable. Then I started thinking about all the others that seem to breeze thru this stuff. Everyday now, I have some pain, some pull, some something. But here is the funny thing - I keep on. Every morning I get up, feel my body to see if things are working in an OK way - and then set off again on another day. Wow. Why? I want to know why - so I can keep on doing it! :-) Truly -what trigger has changed in my mind that is having me get up, record, block out time, blog, etc. all the while it hurts (so good sometimes and so bad other times).

I saw this article: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_93734.html


I thought - yes, that's right - I'm killing myself.

THIS (http://www.londonpersonaltrainingstudio.com/) is what is driving me to save myself - but what is behind that? It all comes down to that - right? How did I get this way?

Well - enough philosophy... Time for bed so I can get up and do it all over again. Also I have to figure out what I can pack to take on the plane to eat (that will make it thru security). Hopefully I have a little appetite back by then!

I hope everyone else is doing great! Tomorrow is a new day - and ONE of these days I'm going to be able to do ALL the exercises :-)